Chicago
by Swoolfe11
Summary: First things first, this has been sitting in my notes for a while and this is my first story so take it easy please haha. I really wish the writers would've dove deeper into Jay's struggles when he was spiraling but they didn't so I guess I did it myself lol. I'll try to update 3-4 times a week until I finish. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

It was times like these when he wasn't sure if he wanted to be empty again or if the feeling was good for him. At this moment, he was trying his best to numb himself with various bottles of alcohol that had ended up scattered around his apartment as he sat on the ground, his back leaning against the wall.

The memories were coming back now, all the way from the beginning. From overseas, to his friend taking a bullet meant for him, to being kidnapped and tortured, to seeing another friend get shot and killed in front of him on a routine money transfer. Recent events hit him hard, probably because the emotional trauma brought on by the memories were too new for him, where the others he'd at least had time to rehearse the memories in his head a little longer which made them a little more manageable. He imagines his bullet tearing through that little girl, how scared she must've been, how she'd probably gotten up that morning, asking her mother to pack her lunch... a lunch she'd never get to eat. Everything that had happened after that. Everything that had just begun to pile up on his already staggering pile of issues.

He heard his phone buzz next to him and he jumped slightly. He reached for it but paused when he heard a banging at hit door and he jumped once again. Suddenly he noticed his heart beating uncontrollably and if he hadn't had the constant knocking to keep him in his apartment, he would be back in Afghanistan. Tunnel vision plagued his sight and darkness closed around his peripheral vision and his heart continued beating out of his chest. He made his way to the banging and reached for a gun that wasn't there at his waist. He tripped over something, something that had glass on it because the crash was loud and his ears were ringing and his breathing was forced and irregular. His panic attacks were becoming more and more frequent and were becoming more sensitive to the slightest startle. He got up quickly and looked down to the ground where glass was shattered and the confusion and panic made even the tiniest coherent thought impossible. A hand on his shoulder pulled him out of his daze and he flinched, grabbing the arm of whoever was standing behind him and turning around quickly, ready to strike.

"Jay!" She yelled firmly and he stopped, quickly dropping his fist and looking at who was in front of him. She pulled her arm out of his grip and he blinked, letting out a breath and straightening his posture.

"Hailey..." he said, taking a step back from her.

"You good?" She asked, eyeing him carefully.

"Why'd you sneak up on me like that? I could've hurt you. Why didn't you knock?" He asked, raising his voice slightly.

"I did knock. I heard something break and I got worried..." she said, looking behind him at the pile of glass on the floor. He turned around as well, looking at the mess on the floor and sighed.

"Yeah... yeah, I... tripped. Knocked the glass off the table." He said and she raised a brow, obviously not sure that was the whole story.

"Look... I just, I wanted to check on you. Make sure you were good. If you need to talk..."

"I don't need to talk, Hailey. I'm fine." He said quickly and she stared at him for a moment.

"Jay... I talked to her, and she's not going to say anything about your... relationship... with her. So you don't have to worry about that coming back to bite you or the unit. But that whole situation was pretty messed up, and someone who's 'fine' wouldn't have gotten themselves into that kind of situation." She said.

"Hailey. I already told you..."

"Jay. Seriously. Faking your identity? Carrying out an undercover op so you could sleep with her? I know you know what's wrong with that. But I see you... and I don't know what exactly is going on... I know you're not 'fine'. So if you need someone to talk to... I'm here, Hank is here, Ruzek, everyone. Call Erin if that's really what you need to..."

"Hailey!" He said more sternly, the mention of Erin striking a nerve. "I said I'm fine... so I'm fine. Thanks for your concern, but... I can take care of myself." He said, leaving no room for discussion. She pursed her lips and looked away from him, nodding slightly and leaving, upset that he couldn't talk to her. She shut the door behind her and he stood in the same spot for a few moments before sighing and rubbing his face in frustration.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed on my first chapter! Again, this is my first story so I don't really know what I'm doing tbh hahaha. If you have any suggestions and/or requests message me or leave a review! Here's the second chapter!**

The week following the whole Camila incident was more or less hell for Jay. Hank had put him on mandatory leave for a week leaving Jay to do nothing but sit in his apartment and run from his feelings. He knew Hank had good intentions but refusing to let him work was not the best way for Jay to sort everything out, in his opinion.

He decided to finally get up and head to work. To say he felt exhausted would be an understatement. He woke up on the couch in his living room with a vague memory of what happened after his 12th bottle of beer the night before. His bloodshot eyes looked around the room before sitting up and checking his phone.

Hank: don't bother coming in. Take the day.

He sighed and shook his head, rubbing his face. He couldn't sit home alone all day again, he had to go in. He needed to keep himself occupied and keep his mind off of everything.

His phone buzzed next to him and he picked it up, expecting a scolding message from his brother for skipping the night out they had planned the week before. But when he saw the name he froze, not even bothering to read the message. He was angry now. How likely was it that Erin had found out about everything that had happened while she was away. Is that why she was texting him now? Actually... why should she care. Why should he care. With that thought, he deleted the message without reading what was sent to him and tossed his phone to his side, back onto the couch.

He got ready hastily, not bothering to shower, before leaving for the district.

He almost tripped through the door and Platt eyed him the whole way in. He ignored her gaze and headed upstairs quickly. Everyone's eyes found Halstead as he walked into the bullpen, interrupting their briefing. He was upset that he wasn't updated about catching a new case but was distracted when his eyes found FBI agents gathered in the room as well.

"What we got?" He asked, walking over to the group. Everyone stayed silent, obviously disturbed by the way he looked.

"Halstead. My office. Agent Benly, continue briefing my team." Hank ordered and Jay's gaze snapped to Hank. He knew this was bound to happen but that didn't stop him from becoming more angry. No... not angry... what was it? Upset? Sure. But there was something else. Or maybe there wasn't. Empty? Drained... that's it. Another speech from Hank about how stupid his decisions were (as if he hadn't thought about it enough in the past week) and how he needs to get help. He entered Hank's office, shutting the door behind him a little roughly. Hank eyeing him the entire time.

"I told you to stay home." Hank said.

"Today isn't my day off. I've been home alone for a week and it's driving me crazy. I'm supposed to be here helping the team." Halstead replied.

"You look like you haven't slept in weeks. And you smell like booz. Not to mention everything that went down last week? Don't think you're out of the woods on that because you're not. You're not working today. I'm making an appointment with the psychologist and you're not working until you're cleared by her."

"Are you serious?" Jay demanded. Hank raised his eyebrows, warning Jay to watch his tone and Jay took a moment to gather himself. "Sarge... with all due respect, I don't need a shrink. I don't need therapy. I'm fine. I made a stupid decision and I had a rough case. But I'm fine." He insisted.

"This isn't up for debate, Detective." Hank said rather loudly. "Now, you can either go home or you're sitting desk duty. And with who's out there right now I suggest you go home." He said, giving Jay a knowing look.

"If you think I'm intimidated by some federal agents you've misjudged me." He retorted.

"Go home or go get comfy at your desk." Hank ordered.

"I've busted my ass off every single day for this unit. For this city. And I make one bad decision and you're going to bench me? You..."

"Halstead, this isn't a discussion. You need to let down the facade, kid. I'm doing what's best for the unit with this decision. Now get out of my office." Hank interrupted firmly and Jay clenched his jaw, holding his tongue. He turned and left without another word.

Everyone had heard the conversation based on how they were staring at Jay when he emerged from Hank's office. He debated staying, just to make his point to Hank, but as soon as he saw her his fight or flight definitely kicked in and decided to run.

Suddenly all the dots were connected. Hank telling him to stay home another day, Erin messaging him after months of ignoring him, FBI agents working with his unit...

They made eye contact for a moment and he didn't know what to do. He knew everyone was looking between the two but he just didn't know what to do.

So he ran.

He walked right passed her, refusing to acknowledge her careful gaze again and left. She stood there quietly for a moment before Kim pulled her out of her thoughts.

"Okay. So basically these two men hold little "parties" where they get together every month... with a bunch of people... and you think they're actually building bombs and planning attacks or something?" Kim asked, trying to clarify what was going on.

"Uhmm.. yeah. Basically. But we haven't been able to pin point where they are taking the explosives, whether it's for storage or they're planting them ahead of time. Which is where you guys come in. We were tipped off on these guys last month when we brought in a young man do distributing explosive and potentially dangerous materials." Erin said, explaining the situation. She let one of her colleagues finish the briefing because her mind was on Jay.

It was her third day in Chicago and she's been wondering where he was. She didn't bother to ask because she'd told herself a hundred times that she was here strictly for work.

There was one exception, however. Despite having been back for three days, she had barely spoken to Hank other than to discuss the case. She got up from her spot at her old desk and walked into Hank's office. She shut the door behind her and gave him a soft smile. He smiled back, standing up and walking around his desk to give her a hug.

"How are you doing, Erin?" He asked, wrapping his arms around her.

"Good. Really good. I've missed you guys, though. New York is different." She confessed, pulling out of the hug and looking up at him.

"We've missed you here. It's been a mess without you." He teased. She knew there was some me truth behind his statement but didn't pursue the subject. "How long you guys here for?" He asked, crossing his arms and leaning against his desk.

"A week or two. Depending on how the case goes." She replied. Hank nodded and the two sat in silence for a moment. She debated asking about Jay. She wanted to know what was going on with him... why he hasn't been at work and why he came in with red rimmed, glossy eyes smelling of whiskey and beer. But she decided against it, not wanting to ruin their conversation.

"Mind if I swing by tonight? I was going to go to Molly's with everyone but I think a relaxing night with a home cooked meal is more needed than a beer." She smiled.

"Yeah, come on over. We can catch up." He said and she laughed.

"Sounds good, Hank." Another silence followed.

"So..." she began but he interrupted her.

"You should talk to him." He said and it caught her by surprise, she didn't know how to respond. "Jay. You should talk to him. I don't want you two getting into it again but, I think it would be good for you... and him... if you clear the air since you're going to be here for a little while." Hank suggested.

"Um... I mean, yeah. I can do that." She said, not sure how to respond. "What uh... what's going on with him? He hasn't been here..."

"Just talk to him. If he talks to you about it you'll know. I'm not the one to tell you. He'll be fine. Don't worry too much about it." Hank said quietly, giving her a reassuring smile and wink. "We should get to work. I'll see you tonight, Erin. I'm glad you're back." He said, pushing himself off of his desk and walking out of his office, leaving Erin to think.


End file.
